Has the endless onslaught of shocking revelations, dire predictions and outrageous fake news stories got you down? Are you plagued by feelings of uncertainty, hopelessness and angst? Well, you are supposed to be. Before you reach for that second pint of ice cream and binge watch more episodes of Santa Clarita Diet on Netflix, remember the old proverb: every dark cloud has a silver lining. Here are a few examples of how silver can be wrought from even the darkest news.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you? Back in 2013, Edward “Limited Hangout” Snowden revealed that the NSA is collecting all our digital communications and storing it at big data centers in Bluffdale, Utah, among other undisclosed locations, to be used against us if/when we step out of line. Most Americans shrugged and said “I’m not doing anything wrong, so I have nothing to worry about,” and 20 minutes later, they forgot all about it and went back to being outraged over Paula Deen’s N-word debacle.
This week, we learned that the CIA has a backdoor into every internet-connected electronic device that dominates our lives, from smartphones and smart TVs, to interactive Barbie dolls and electric toilet seat warmers. Privacy, encryption and the Fourth Amendment are a thing of the past, but should we care? Personally, I think this is a good thing. Let’s start having fun with it!
For example, if you’ve got 10 minutes or so to spare, why not drop your pants and moon one of the many intrusive cameras in your life? Really get up in there, spread your cheeks wide and give them a good view of that winking brown eye! If you’re feeling especially randy, how about a nice, long, lubed-up wank with the word “unconstitutional” written across your torso with a Sharpie?
Or what I like to do is Google random shit like “Eric Schmidt pedophile sex tape,” “how to get gold coins back out of your cat’s ass?” or “best cannibal recipes.” Really complicate the digital Stasi file they have on you while overloading the databases with useless information.
Of course, you could be truly clever and delete all your social media accounts, get rid of that smartphone, smart TV and never buy any IoT-ready electronics. Oh, and don’t forget to tell the power company to fuck off when they come to hook up that smart meter. Basically, reject and avoid anything with the word “smart” attached to it.
Higher education is another topic that always seems to be in the news. As a parent, I was worried about how I am going to afford to send my son to college. Given that college tuition grows at an exponential rate, while the actual quality of education decays at an exponential rate, I figured it would only be a matter of time before the only difference between a college graduate and a high school dropout would be a future-depriving soul-crushing mountain of debt. Sad to say, it appears that day is here.
Personally, I have not benefited much from college out here in the real world, and I have two degrees. My Bachelor’s degree was earned pre-internet, back in the old timey days when you had to type everything on a typewriter and do research in a library rather than rely on an algorithm to provide you with lists compiled on the basis of ad revenue, political bias and psychological manipulation.
Today, colleges are more like gated resort communities, offering the very finest amenities and comfortable safe spaces, utterly free from undesirable elements like critical thought and contrary viewpoints. Rather than providing students with an education leading to a lucrative career, colleges now inculcate students with learned helplessness and victimhood. Let’s face it, I can instill these qualities in my kid at home for free. In fact, there is really nothing you can’t learn on your own for free these days. Most major universities put all their courses online, and YouTube is as good, if not better, than most university lectures by virtue signaling cultural Marxist assistant professors. The university degree is a meaningless piece of paper signifying nothing, especially when adorned with words like “ Critical Theory,” Feminist Studies,” “Gender Studies” and “Graphic Arts.”
Knowledge future generations will need to know includes how to forage for edible plants, how to booby trap a bug-out shelter and how to stitch up gaping wounds with fishing wire. Seriously, we’re that close to the dawn of Mad Max IRL.
If you’re like me, you can’t get enough of Barry Obama. Just knowing that he is right there in D.C., minutes away from where he and Michael the Wookie spent eight years recklessly dismantling the last vestiges of everything that was good about America, gives me a tingly feeling inside. Like the onset of severe diarrhea.
It’s great that Obama has made it his life’s mission to take down Donald Trump. There is no better way to prove someone an incompetent failure than sabotaging them right from the start so they can’t even make an honest effort. It seems unfair. After all, Obama had a leisurely eight years to prove his incompetence. He will go down in history as one of the finest teleprompter readers America has ever witnessed. And his golf skills—his handicap purportedly dropped a whole seven strokes while he was in the White House! Be honest: has any president ever wielded a selfie-stick with more dignity?
I hope Barry keeps a foot on the stage, because the longer he lurks in the shadows and plots against the majority of Americans, the more likely even the dumbest Whites and most racist Blacks will finally begin to see him for what he really is: a phony and a fraud cloaked in lies and deceit. A gay crypto Jew married to a transgender ex-football player with rented children. That’s the word over at Comet Ping Pong, anyway.
One of the subjects that concerns me most is the advance of robotics and artificial intelligence. The news is quick to spin the idea of robots taking human jobs as a good thing that will lead to more free time and leisure than humans have ever experienced. We all know that is simply coded language for sexbots, right?
I think we have too much free time as it is. When I have something to do and all day to do it, I procrastinate. I spend the first part of the day not doing the thing I need to do, but I can’t really enjoy myself, because am stressed that I am not doing what needs to be done. Then, I spend the rest of the day doubly stressed while I hurry up and actually get the thing done. But think about how efficient you can be when schedules are tight, time is short and you don’t have the luxury to sit around on your ass all day doing a Google image search on Anna Kournikova in her prime. It just feels better to be busy and productive than it does to be lethargic and bored—which more or less describes me from age 25 to present.
We are told that the robots will first be taking the jobs of counter help, burger flippers and snooty baristas. Honestly, who among us will miss those stimulating interactions? Imagine: quick, efficient service that never gets your order wrong nor gives back the incorrect change. These days, who can trust those poor minimum wage slaves with preparing the unhealthy food and beverages we throw back like it’s not taking years off our lives? They usually look at each customer coming in the door as just another pain in the ass. They treat us with disdain, disinterest, and often, open hostility. Not that we are any better. Perhaps it is our fault. Expecting an ex-con with hepatitis and a meth habit to get our Subway sandwich right the first time is a pretty unrealistic expectation.
It is clear where all this is going. Slowly but surely, we will all lose our jobs and be replaced by robots. One day soon, artificial intelligence will surpass human intelligence. Humans will then have to become cyborgs by integrating digital technologies like microchips and neural laces into our bodies just to keep up. Soon, we will be more machine than man, and the robots who took all our jobs will themselves be replaced by us cyborgs. Eventually, we will get our jobs back, and it will be the robots who are stuck sitting around all day trying to figure out what to do with all their free time. As cyborgs, we will be able to work for days on end without a break, more productive and cost-efficient than humans ever were. Problem solved!
Here’s one last proverb of my own creation for the next time you come across distressing news (is there any other type?): it’s possible to find a golden kernel of corn in every lump of shit. You just have to get in there and dig around. Just don’t forget to wash up after.