Iron Maiden lead singer Bruce Dickinson is a uniquely accomplished human being. In addition to being an airline pilot, an aviation entrepreneur, a motivational speaker, a fencer, a novelist, a script writer and a radio broadcaster, he is also a world-class cunnilinguist.

Having been diagnosed with cancer after the discovery of tumors in his tongue and neck, Dickinson claims the cancer has nothing to do with years of cigarette smoking. Instead, he insists the cancer was caused by the human papilloma virus (HPV). Long thought to be one of the perks of being a rock star, Dickinson serves as a dark reminder that it is apparently possible to drink too often from the furry cup.

Dickinson is not the first celebrity to blame their cancer on copious carpet munching. Actor Michael Douglas mused that excessive muff diving caused his tongue cancer back in 2013. After all, what man wouldn’t want to tout tipping the velvet as the reason for their mouthy malignancy?

Dickinson notes that “There’s a 500 per cent increase in this type of cancer in men over 40. It’s massive. It’s the same virus that causes cervical cancer.” It appears there has been a dramatic uptick in the number of middle-aged men opting to dine at the Y.

Cancer isn’t something that puts a smile on one’s face, even when it results from oral pleasure. Given the alleged dramatic increase in HPV-related cancer, it’s actually surprising more celebrities aren’t coming forward with equally disturbing ejaculations. Moreover, considering the nature of the entertainment industry, not to mention the embrace of sexual experimentation in wider society, shouldn’t some of our lady celebrities have already announced similar afflictions and their desire to lick the big C before it spreads?

I wonder if this will increase the push toward more HPV vaccinations. Whenever celebrities are involved, I am always skeptical about their motives. Their far-reaching influence and willingness to perform for money make them suspect, in my opinion. All things considered, Dickinson is lucky. It could have been worse. If his sexual interests had lied in what his name implies, he might have been into boys instead.