For those of you fortunate enough to live obliviously somewhere else, Justin Trudeau is the Prime Minister of Canada, a member of that country’s Liberal Party. That in itself should explain the “logic” of his now (in)famous quote. A lot of people make fun of him, and not just for this—there are a whole lot of other reasons to laugh at this guy—but I don’t know…it’s got kind of an Obi Wan Kenobi vibe to it. Remember back when Star Wars didn’t suck? Obi Wan warned Darth Vader “strike me down and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” Then Darth Vader strikes him down. And that was pretty much it for old Obi Wan. Actually, that didn’t work out too well. Bad example.
I’m fairly certain that killing your enemy is the ultimate and irreversibly decisive way to win, but these days, everything is just so darn confusing and complicated. It’s getting so that a non-binary can’t even figure which bathroom xe are supposed to take a dump in anymore.
The confusion begins as soon as we are born. The first question modern parents ask when they see the penis between their baby’s legs is: I wonder what gender it will choose? There are somewhere between 63 to 135 genders out there now, and the last thing conscientious liberal parents want to do is stigmatize their baby by assuming its gender before it has had a chance to try out each and every one. So, they paint the nursery beige and give the child plain wooden blocks and Mummenschanz masks to play with. The colors pink and blue are banished from the home, and while they don’t encourage their children to identify as any specific gender, they firmly insist that “male” or “female” are passé and therefore simply not an option.
But this is only the beginning for our little future SJW. Once they’ve got the gender issue sorted, there is a whole new minefield to navigate: race. Today, we teach children that race is only a social construct, just like gender. Naturally, one can choose the race they feel most comfortable identifying with, like these folks:
These days, it is not cool (nor particularly safe) to be White. I know it shouldn’t even matter because race is just a social construct, but let’s face it—White people are innately racist. I know what you are going to say. “If race is a social construct, then racism doesn’t exist, either.” Yeah, you would say that, you racist! This is 2017. Making no sense is the only thing that does makes sense. Did I just blow your mind?
Forget algebra and trig, here is the new math: Power + Privilege = Racism. Only White people have power. For example, the most powerful man in the universe is the President of the United States—a fucking white male! And only White people are granted special privileges as a birth right in the United States. That’s why they don’t need affirmative action, support from diversity initiatives, race-based scholarships or whole months dedicated to their history and achievements. Clearly, White supremacy and racism are the main reasons Black people and other minorities have no opportunities to get ahead in life.
As our gender fluid snowflake grows into a young mxn or womxn (or both), they may decide to seek higher education at one of the many fine universities out there that provide the next-generation with four to seven years of orgiastic hedonism, safe spaces and a crushing student debt load, all deeply steeped in cultural Marxism. The university has always been a place for the free exchange of ideas and open debate. One of the most exciting debates on college campuses these days is focused on free speech. Although it may at first seem counter-intuitive, young people today are giving the whole idea of free speech a trendy “reboot” by re-imagining its definition to mean “preventing people from speaking freely.”
It may seem like this is a step backwards, but that’s because you’re using Western logic (which is racist). Be honest—if you don’t like someone, or don’t agree with how they think, do you really want to sit there and listen to their bullshit? And let’s face it, no one wants to be offended. It doesn’t feel good! The rule is: Don’t tolerate stuff that makes you feel bad. Like when your aunt, who you haven’t seen since last Thanksgiving, says you’ve gotten fatter. That really hurts! People shouldn’t be allowed to share their opinions or say what they think—even when they are right—because what’s true for you is not necessarily true for me.
Finally, we have uncovered the cause of all this confusion!
In the current zeitgeist, objectivity is no longer valid. Everything is subjective. Facts, data, evidence…nope. I am sure I can Google up a bunch of crap that can “prove” whatever point I am trying to make, too. I mean, how do you know, for sure, that the Earth isn’t flat? There’s just no way to know for certain. You’ve got to go on feeling. Do as I do, embrace the confusion.
In my reality, Obama was the greatest U.S. president ever, ketchup is a vegetable and Lady Gaga is the most talented artist in the world. Hey, I have a right to my opinions and beliefs! But you don’t have the right to make me listen to yours. And if you try, I am going to go full on UC Berkeley Milo protest on your ass. I am the kind of person who sees a movie description on Netflix, gets upset and writes a review that says “I didn’t watch this movie but I rated it one star. This is offensive, so Netflix needs to remove this from their website so no one else can watch it!”
These may be confusing times, but they are definitely better than the olden days, when men were men, women were women, gays were in the closet, niggaz were Black folks, people respectfully disagreed but allowed others to express their opinions, and saying something “is a thing” wasn’t…a thing.
Don’t you agree? No?! Well, in the parlance of the generation that will soon run America: Fuck you! You misogynist homophobic racist Nazi motherfucker! You need to be more tolerant like me, otherwise I will punch your fascist fucking face!