I can’t wait for the era of unprecedented leisure that is just around the corner. Some people worry about being replaced by a touchscreen kiosk or an algorithm, but I am actually looking forward to it.
You see, people smarter than us have already figured everything out. They are going to pay each and every one of us a universal basic income (UBI). You get it whether you continue to work or not, but honestly, why work at all when you get paid to kick back and chill all day?
Just imagine: never again having to wake up early, commute, punch a time-clock or listen to some asshole boss point out all the mistakes you make. With a UBI, every day will be like the Saturday of a three-day weekend.
Of course, the UBI isn’t going to allow us to live an extravagant lifestyle. In fact, we may eventually be relegated to spending our leisure time in much smaller, more sustainable digs, like those cage apartments in Hong Kong.
Living in a tiny house like this means that you can really streamline and simplify your life. Gone are all those kitchen gadgets collecting dust. In fact, we probably won’t even have a kitchen, but that’s not a problem. We won’t have to cook for ourselves anymore, the robots at Taco Bell and McDonald’s will do it for us.
And who needs a spacious home when virtual reality technology gives us the ability to live in our own virtual world? Just slip the goggles on and enjoy your day at the beach, a favorite video game, or even VR porn, all from the comfort and convenience of your secure compartment. Just don’t forget to take them off when you go to the communal toilet down the hall.
The UBI will be distributed digitally, like a pre-paid card, but work functionally like a smartphone app. Every other week, your UBI credits get topped up, and you can use them at the officially approved retailers of your choice: Wal-Mart or Amazon. You will even be able to use your UBI to purchase a variety of GMO marijuana strains from your favorite industrial grower.
For those of us eager to give up more of our privacy and freedom for convenience and security, the virtual comfort of our UBI-funded life of leisure can’t get here fast enough. I expect that in 2020, when Mark Zuckerberg is elected president, these programs will really begin in earnest.
The internet will be free for everyone with a Facebook account, and digital technology will be integrated into our physical body via neural laces or implants made by Elon Musk. Bill Gates will continue to pour billions of dollars into making sure we are all super healthy with dozens of mandatory vaccines that will enable us to enjoy our lives of leisure to the fullest. And all these benefits will be administered under the United Nations’ Sustainable Development Goals, which are for our own good.
What could possibly go wrong?